Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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