Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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