if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dear god my vagina.
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