I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
