my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
