if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
