There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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