you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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