Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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