why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
