He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's shark week go big or go home
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
