??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
