Someone shit on the floor
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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