If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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