I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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