Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
