And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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