woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize