It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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