Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
