Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Can Purell be used as lube?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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