dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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