He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
