I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
