Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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