it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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