I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
