so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
