the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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