I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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