I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
