made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
