K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
