My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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