defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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