He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
