Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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