Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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