Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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