I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
