maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
