i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
