The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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