Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize