Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
