The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
