i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
