I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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