Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
