I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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