I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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