I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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