While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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