turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
