I accidentally burped into my bong.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
