so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
