He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The Olympian is in my bed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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