I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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