matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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