my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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