I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
and she was petting her beer can
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
