The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
did i just pee glitter
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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