we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
