mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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