If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize