I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
