He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize