Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
