Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
